LOST IN MIDDLE EARTH - A Comedy of Errors

GENRE: Romantic Comedy
RATING: G
Starring: Rupert Grint, Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, Bonnie Wright, James Phelps, Oliver Phelps

as themselves (and other Middle Earth characters)

Summary:

What happens if the cast of Harry Potter get lost in Middle Earth?
Rupert had planned a perfect virginity-loosing-party for him and Daniel. But the plan backfired when, instead of nice girls, the man he paid to get him girls had given him a quartet of old gypsies who, unbeknown to them, had magical powers. They soon found themselves in a story they read only partially, who's film version premiered the same time their movies were on as well. Lost in a world totally unknown, they must now try to play their parts the way it is in the book or they won't be able to get back home.

The twist is, with them, they've managed to take Emma and Bonnie as well.
This romantic-comedy will take you all on a wonderous ride through Middle Earth with the most unlikely characters ever.

DICLAIMER:

EVERYTHING WRITTEN HERE IS A PRODUCT OF MY OVER IMAGINATIVE MIND AND IS NOT MEANT TO CAUSE ANY HARM OR ABUSE, OR MEANT TO MALIGN THE PERSON, PERSONS, OR PLACES MENTIONED HEREIN.

THERE AND BACK AGAIN

“So we’re still up for tonight then?”

“Yeah, mum and dad are off to New Hampshire for auditions.  James said he and Oliver are picking us up at nine.  You sure your guy can pull it off?”

Some people have all the luck.  Some people can wangle anything; upgrades on planes, better rooms in hotels, and Rupert promised Daniel his guy can wangle them both a nice date for the evening.  It had been planned weeks ahead – they were both getting laid tonight – and James and Oliver Phelps volunteered to be chaperone (Rupert promised them dates as well).

“Right.”

Daniel had one hour to get himself ready.  After a shower, a longer brushing time, and several gargles of mouthwash, he heads to his wardrobe and chose a new shirt, jeans, and a jacket.  He sat on the bed while putting on shoes, remembers to wear cologne, then runs downstairs and hollered to the chambermaid he met along the corridor.

“I’ll be late!”

“Señor Daniel, your mother will be a calling—“

“See you, Maria!”

“Señor!”

He had jumped over the hedge and found James already standing in front of their brand new Mercedes Sports car.

“What are you, a girl?” James snorted.

“Let me see if you’ve got enough mascara on.” Teased Oliver as he reached out the car window and tugged Daniel’s jacket hard.

“Oh, sod off!” Daniel said, riding in front with Oliver.

“Señor!  Señor Daniel!”

“Move it, or I swear to Merlin I’ll smash your car!”

The car screeched out of the driveway of the Radcliffe’s ten-bedroom mansion and was soon parked in front of Kerrigans, in London.  However, the trio were not headed for the Irish pub, instead, they sprinted down the alleyway across the street.  A building closed eternally, come into view and James took out a note from inside his jacket pocket.  Knocked on the door and a window on the left side opened.

“Yes?  What do you chaps want?”  Bellowed a young man wearing a bowler hat.  He peeked out reeked of alcohol and cigarette.

“Donnely’s jumping over the moon!” James hollered back.

“Oh, you’re Ken’s group!” Affirmed the doorman in drunken daze.  “Oi! Ken, the rest of your lot has arrived!”

Daniel had been pounding the keypad of his Nokia trying to get through to Rupert.

“Bloody hell! He’s not picking up!” Daniel blasted.  He tries for the nth time and still got nothing but ringing.

“He’s probably inside,” Oliver suggested.  “If he’s not, we’ll go to his house, cuff him, and shag him blind!”

Daniel laughed lazily, and tried one last time. 

“He better get me a cute girl, last time he chose a date, I ended up with a 34-year-old spinster from Holland!” Daniel complained.  He hasn’t forgiven Rupert for the prank he pulled on his last birthday. 

Someone hailed them from behind the building and hesitantly, the three of them walk towards the shrouded figure.  The post was blinking madly on that side that Daniel felt reluctant to move further but did not want to appear like a coward before the twins.  He’ll never hear the end of it.  Not with them.  When they got closer, the man pulled back his hood, and his face shown faint in the disco light above them.

“You’ve got the Quid?”

“Yeah,” James answered. He pulled out his wallet and took out the amount of money they agreed upon – Daniel had given his share in the car on their way here. 

“It’s all there,” Daniel butted in, trying to sound older.

The man was shrewd and counted the money twice over before nodding in agreement.

“Alright, you twits follow me please,”

“Hold on,” Daniel said, grabbing the fellow by the arm. 

“The hand please,” The man said, looking at the gripping pale hand on his arm.

“Oh, sorry,” Daniel apologized.  “Well, Rupert’s not here yet.”

“He’s back there,” The man said pointing at the dense darkness before them.

“Told you he’s inside.” Oliver said pulling Dan by his arm.

They didn’t have to go very far; there was a side door not far from where they were.  The man opened it with a key and soon they found themselves inside a very dark, and noisy underground pub.

“Wait here!” The man bellowed.  The three could hardly hear him that they asked him to repeat himself several times that in the end he had to mime the message.  A girl holding a tray with several alcoholic drinks rolled by them (she was wearing shoes with rollers at the bottom) and handed them one mug each of beer.

“Bottoms up!” Daniel yelled.

“What?” James cried back covering his ear.

“Bottoms up!” Daniel cried back.

“No! They won’t ask you your age! You’re already in!” James said, nodding the rest of the way. 

“Yeah!” Daniel muttered.  He knew James had said something utterly different and that it was useless to continue.  The music was techno-grunge and everyone inside had been drinking for a few hours.

“YOU MADE IT!” Boomed a voice behind them.

The three reeled around and there standing before them was Rupert holding a megaphone in his hand.  All three of them gapped at the girls beside him, and behind him.

“What is this?” Daniel cried.

“What?” Rupert cried back.

Daniel walked towards him and pulled him inside the men’s restroom.

“Bloody hell, Daniel!”

“Don’t you bloody hell me, you drunken git!  You promised to get nice girls,”

“They’re nice!” Rupert argued swooning a bit.

“They most certainly are not! I told you to get girls, not grandmas!” Daniel fumed.

“Well, why do you think I’m drunk?  Ken has fouled up!  He left hours ago, and I paid that blinkered twit the full Monty!” Rupert dribbled.  Daniel had to stop him from falling over the trash bin a second time.

“Don’t worry,” Rupert cackled.  “I called Emma, and Bonnie.  They’re coming over!”

“What?  What the—Rupert, I won’t forgive you for this!  Why did you call them?”

“Well, I thought we’d have acting practice with the girls,” Rupert bemused. “You know, Half-blood---“

“Yes, I’ve read the book!  You worm, we can’t do that to them, they are our friends.  And Bonnie’s too young!”  Daniel protested, though he knew it made very little sense right now- Rupert and alcohol don’t really go well together.

“Well, don’t shag her, then.  Just snog…” Rupert teased, sneering at him devilishly.

***

Emma had been fidgeting with her phone since they got inside the car.  She phoned Katie just a while ago, and Matthew just before that, convincing them both to join her and Bonnie on this “mystery” party that Rupert had nagged her out of bed for.

“This had better be something sensible,” Emma said.

“Emma, you know, it’s getting a bit obvious that you still have feelings for Dan.” Bonnie observed while lazily dabbing on lip-gloss and a light pink blush on her cheeks.

“What on earth are you talking about, Bon?” Emma said sarcastically, trying to even out the blush on Bonnie’s cheeks.

“Well,” Bonnie sighed, putting down her cosmetics and facing Emma.  “Rupert had been asking you to go out with him for weeks on end.   You keep saying no, giving him alibi after alibi.  Now that he mentions Dan’s there as well, you run out of your flat in your knickers!”

“I do not!” Emma scowled. 

“Oh, suit yourself!  Go ahead and pretend…” Bonnie said going back to her mascara.  As Bonnie put on a layer of glitter on her skin, Emma suddenly realized, though Bonnie had read wrong, how transparent she was to them.  They could always tell when she was not saying the truth.  She now wondered if everyone could read her as easily as Bonnie can – perhaps to some, even easier.  She could almost hear them whispering, was Dan that hard to get over?

But Emma knew, it wasn’t Dan-- It never was, and that was the whole problem.  She had always been attracted to Rupert – more than Dan, more than Tom, even more than James.  She had been waiting for him to make a move – but like his alter ego, he never did.  Perhaps out of fear, or out of pure bloody snottiness, Rupert never did anything unless a Director told him to.  She got tired of waiting  - they were playing too much into the books – She wasn’t Hermione.  She’ll never be Hermione.

Then, as she started going out with ‘others’, Rupert became distant.   He turned quiet during interviews, saying barely anything (looking at her less, smiling even lesser).  Recently, she overheard them talking about her in the make-up trailer, and she heard him describe her as ‘easy’, resulting in more make up for him to cover the black and blue patch left by her right hand.

He didn’t even bother to know my side of the story, Emma thought bitterly. Things were never the same again.  Emma missed the days when she and Rupert were together – he could make her laugh the entire day.  Now all they do is snort and snicker, insult and cause pain, snarl and bite each other’s head off when given the opportunity.

So why was she in a limo on her way to him?

The car had stopped at Kerrigan’s and Emma and Bonnie stepped out to see the street bereft of any human form.  The pub to the left was alive with music and they could see silhouettes through the stained glass windows dancing merrily to the sound of an Irish jig.  Emma knew, that wasn’t the place.   The way Rupert described their destination –underground -- was enough to tell her, it wasn’t this happy place.

“Come on,” Emma said. Tugging Bonnie by the sleeves of her navy blue cardigan.  They walked towards the abandoned building in the alleyway across the street and Emma had dialed Rupert’s number. 

“Pick up!” Emma cried.

“I hope Devon’s there.” Bonnie giggled.

“He’s not, didn’t he tell you?” Emma said.

“I don’t believe him, he was drunk when he called me, said that Devil’s were there.  I think he meant, Devon’s there.”  Bonnie replied.  Her eyes had that dreamy haze that Emma found pathetic at times.  There was nothing to like about Devon: he smokes like a chimney, drinks like a camel, swears every damn day, and to top it off, he was shorter than Danny Devito.  Nevertheless, Bonnie seemed to like him. 

Emma punched the keypad harshly this time, blaming the phone company for Rupert’s lack of response.  Finally, he picked up.

“Hurl!” Came the raspy voice through the receiver. 

“HELLO!” Emma cried back.  She could hear music inside – a loud thumping beat – and cackling beside him.  “Rupert!  Rupert!”

“ ’Mmacomunin!” Rupert mumbled nearly incoherently.

“Where, the bloody hell, are you?” Emma screamed angrily.

“Th—bandoned—building…” Rupert answer with great difficulty in his voice.

“Abandoned building?” Emma echoed.

“Abandoned building?” Bonnie echoed back. “That one?”

Emma looked at the old abandoned warehouse before them.  The beating sound did seem louder in that direction.

“Alright!  Meet us at the door!”  Emma hollered.

“Go—totheside!  To the----Ssss---SIDE!”  Rupert cried before the phone went dead.

“Oh, great merlin!  Why do I put up with you?”  Emma cried.  Sighing heavily – not for the last time – she pulled Bonnie towards the building heading for the side door. 

“How do we get in?” Bonnie asked worriedly.

“I’ve got passes,” Emma said.

“How?”

“Rupert.”

“Oh,”

The bouncer opened the door and looked at them both, and then took the piece of paper Emma was holding out.  He looked at Bonnie again – longer this time, as though considering her. 

“Alright.  But stay inside your room, or I’ll have both of you thrown out!” The bouncer warned.

“Okay!” Emma answered.

The moment they got in, Bonnie grabbed Emma’s hand tightly while holding the other against her ear for the sound of the speakers, roaring loudly with rock-grunge-techno, and the screams of about four hundred drunken people, was making both their ears hurt.

They were ushered inside a VIP room at the second level of the building.  The sound of the disco downstairs was a bit muffled here, though the beat of the drum could still be felt.  The usher had opened the door to reveal James, Oliver, Dan, and Rupert and four ladies (who looked like they were in their forties), sitting round a table overflowing with shot glasses three bottles of Tequila (only one was opened, and half empty), cans of beer, light beer, an assortment of peanuts, and licorice, and candy apple. 

“You’re here!” Cried Rupert, trying hard to stand straight. 

“You are wasted!” Bonnie observed.

“Yeah, yeah, I am.”

The four women looked at Emma and Bonnie nastily – like they brought with them the ten plagues of Egypt!  They were whispering to each other, whilst looking from one person to another, and while keeping a close eye on Rupert, who had his arms wrapped around them like a prisoner.

“Why did you bring more girls over?” Asked the other.

“Yes, Ken promised us one night with you boys.” Answered the other.

“I’m sorry, but there’s been a mistake,” Dan butted in.  “You see, he promised me girls, or at least one girl,”

“Yes, and Ken’s messed up and brought us you four---four---grandmas!” Rupert cried.  “I was going---to be a ---a man today!”

“What?” Emma said.  Rupert was about to fall over her.  Luckily, James was able to catch him.  “IS that why you brought me here?  So that you can have ----SEX with me?”

“No! Well—“ Rupert said smiling devilishly at her.

Emma felt her hand spring forward almost like it had a button.  It hit Rupert smack across his face.  He fell on the floor unconscious.

“What, the hell, was that for?” Dan glowered at her.

“Yeah, why did you hit him?” Oliver said.

“Rupert?” James said, bending over.  “He’s bleeding, Emma you busted his nose!”

“SERVES HIM RIGHT!” Emma growled.

“Yeah, well, he wasn’t going to do anything, you know.” Dan chided.

“I can’t believe you are in this too,” Emma insulted.

“Yeah, you better believe it!  At least one of us is moving on!” Dan retorted.

“I want to go home,” Bonnie whined.

“I’m going to get some ice,” James said.  “I can’t make the bleeding stop.”

“I’m going with you, I’m calling Charlotte,” Oliver added.

James and Oliver brushed past Emma and Bonnie hastily.  Emma was on the verge of crying and Dan tried to reach out to her but she pulled her hand away.

“Suit yourself!” Dan snapped.

Emma turned to leave when something had pricked the hairs at the back of her neck.  Like a cold air had swept across the room.

“Did you feel that?” Bonnie said.

Emma reeled and saw that the four other people who were with them in the room had vanished.

“Where are they?” Emma said nervously.

“There must be a back door, somewhere,” Bonnie answered.

“This is the only door to this room---“ Emma said.

***

“Frodo, my boy, I’m off to make finishing touches on the party arrangements.  There’s tea in the kettle and bread on the table,”

The voice was too clear to be a dream but the Tequila had left a huge hangover that Rupert wanted to believe it was.  He did not have the energy or the will power to do a lot of thinking, and this seemed like a situation where a lot of thinking would be needed.

“Be sure to ask Sam to finish trimming the grass near the window!”

That last holler had awakened him.   He struggled to open his eyes that felt like it had sand in it.  His mouth was so dry that he swore he could drink an entire lake.

“Mu—“ He started with difficulty since his larynx and palate won’t cooperate yet.  He swallowed to irrigate his sore throat, heaved deeply, and tried to call out again.  “Muuuumm!  Charlotte’s turned the telly on loud again!”

He could feel his head vibrate with the sound of his own voice and it made his throbbing temples hurt even more.  He could taste vomit as it made its way up his esophagus.  He swallowed hard to push it back inside but, after several attempts, he had to crawl out of the bed onto the wooden floor where he emptied himself uncontrollably.  

“Mum…” He whined weakly.  “I threw up on the floor again!”

He tried desperately to stand and walk towards the bathroom to wash up.  He never made it, too weak to move further, he ended up lying just a few feet away from the pool of goo.

He swerved his tongue round his gums and felt the pain on the left side where, he remembered vaguely, Emma had hit him last night.  He told himself never to make a pass at her again. 

“That’s not the way to win her, you bastard!” He groaned.

He swore never to fall for her again – not after she led him on only to go out with Tom.  Then again, raising all his hopes just before the third film premiered, only to end up going out with Dan.  Then they too broke up.  He thought of trying for the last time, only to find out she was getting cozy with James Phelps. 

The girl is a player, Devon told him when he confided his frustrations.  He advised Rupert that he needed to be player himself to be noticed by someone like Emma.  That was why he tried desperately to get laid last night.  He wanted to be a man and announce it to the whole world by his friends.  Emma will eventually find out how much a player he was and hopefully, she’d notice him.

But like every plan he made in the past, it backfired and now he has a splitting headache as a result.

“Mum!  Mum!”  He tried sitting but noticed that the beanbag was not where it normally was.  He reached out further and caught hold of a rather rustic stool. When did I get this? He used the stool to support his weight as he desperately tried to stand without opening his eyes.  He was finally up, leaning hard against the door panel that was round, and smooth and quite thick.

“What the hell?”

He opened his aching eyelids slowly and blinked.  Before him loomed an entirely different room.  He blinked again, and as his eyesight cleared, he realized it was an entirely different house altogether.  Then, just when he was beginning to feel nervous, he caught sight of the vomit all over the floor and that made him panic.

“Oh god! Oh god!  I’m in a different house!” He gasped.

He walked out of the room and fell flat on his face tripping over what appeared to be large shoes although it hurt when he tried to bend them.  He lifted his foot and saw that the reason why it hurt was because it was no shoe—it was his foot.  He realized he was in some kind of dream, or nightmare, and he was some kind of creature.

“It’s finally happened!  I’m having hallucinations! I’ve lost it!  Hold on…was I smoking pot?  No, I don’t remember.  Oh god!”  Rupert rambled.  “It’s a dream…I’m hallucinating!  I’m---“

A familiar scream had broken his line thought.  It came from somewhere outside the house and it ---there it goes again, and this time he was sure who it was.

He tried to stand again and zigzagged to the direction of the loud wailing and found the source.

“My goooooooooddddddd!”

“Emma?”

She looked up at him and, though she was wearing clothes that made Hermione look very fashionable, there was very little that changed—except the overlarge feet that were filled with bushy hair.

“YOU!” She screamed at him.

“Please, don’t yell, I have a nasty hangover, although I don’t know why I still have a hangover seeing as this is a dream and all…” He mumbled.

“Dream? Dream?  Does this look like a dream to you?” Emma lashed back at him pointing at her overly large feet.

“Please!  My head is about to explode!” Rupert begged.

“I DON’T CARE!  You made them angry, you---you----perverted---“ Emma ranted.

“Perverted?” Rupert lashed back.  “Perverted? Me?”

“Yes, you!  Inviting me to a party – GAH! You were planning to have sex with me!” Emma cried.  She was so angry that large veins popped on her forehead as she screamed.

“Sex with you?  I don’t even want to go out with you!” Rupert retorted.  It was a blatant lie, he knew, but he did not want to lose face, not after being called a pervert, which technically what he was since he really called her up deceivingly for sex.

“HAH!  You’ve been itching for a date since Dan and I broke up!  Well, you’ve just lost your only chance!  I am stuck here with you, as a hobbit---“ Emma roared madly.

“Wait!  Shut up!” Rupert cried back, his head still swam in alcohol, and Emma’s ranting was making him nauseous again.  “Stop!  Please!”

“---and I’m a gardener!  What’s worse is that I--- I am --- YOUR FRIGGIN’ GARD’NER!”

That did it; Rupert could have sworn his head splattered all over the floor before he collapsed.  The last thing he heard before things went out of range was Emma ranting about vomit, vomit, and vomit, all over her face.